daniel sloss jigsaw transcript

Thats fine, I get that, that could be my fault. And I can use your own logic against you, if you were to get poo, human poo, in the air on your head, dont know how you did it, but you did, youre a legend. So whenever Im in a relationship, Im sodesperate to emulate my elders to have this successful relationship, that Ill do what they say. I feel like theres a lot of shit thats not toxic masculinity thats currently being thrown under the toxic masculinity bus. So I was like, Ive got this analogy. And the whole time it was happening, Id be like, Yeah, this is fair. But thats the thing about art. And I dont want that, man. Its pretty serious. Can you just can you? Whats your name? Went out for food after the show. Hey, Mark, I love you. Its just like Ive got to get past this as much as I can myself. Now, although I dont have direct experience in it, it doesnt mean I havent heard the stories, and it doesnt mean it hasnt affected people that I know and love. And shes not gonna. Its because the joke pops in to your head. Come on, breathe! Im a fucking god! At 27, Scotland's Daniel Sloss has, incredibly, now racked up his tenth Fringe outing. Ill get onto that in a second. But but, Mr. Sloss, all weddings are gay. Fuck, thats not still in there is it? All we can tell is that its constantly repeating its history and often over-riding it. Collecting I want a lion to ignore you, but then on your way home, carrying some mangoes, you just startle a giraffe and justup-kicks your jaw clean through your fucking scalp. I want my friends that I love to know that I love them. Women, I finally understand your games. She did a sad little post about it, we all screen grabbed it, put it in the group. Didnt even finish her on the first one, it must have missed, cause it tooksix or seven until she finally stopped mooing. Come here. Like, pew. I have never seen strength like it. Thatll teach you to love something! And then we made fun of his dead dog for an hour. Three, I know Im right. And your girlfriends like, What, why would he know? Okay, Im with you, Im with you. Did you did you say no? Do you want to come? But theres nothing wrong with you. Oh, couldnt paint for shit. Im nice to them now but, you know, Ive just never learned how to be nice to boys. And our head teacher, right? Her dad still sends me videos of her being driven past fields of horses, and shes just like Horses! So good! Take into consideration that you might just be a pretentious fucking cunt, okay? If you only love yourself at 20%, that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. But sometimes, when Im alone in my head, sometimes Hitler. Ive had enoughemails to know that it is. I dont need to burn this with a fucking lighter. Because whos the victim? Like I fucked up quite substantially. Thats not good, cause its not forever. But once you shaved the Oh, my God! The first time I shaved my butthole, I went for a poo. Its a burden I must bear. Thats the only way youll stop being ignorant. Talk to your fucking boys. What a horrible thing to say! Because Id love to know. Daniel Sloss (born 11 September 1990) is a Scottish comedian, actor, and writer.. Sloss was the youngest comedian to perform a solo season in London's West End, at the age of 19. This is not the happiest setting to a show, but with this show, this very one, Ive created true happiness. I was used to just telling fucking wank jokes in the bottom of pubs, right? Any? I wasnt there. Im incredibly sick. Is just so happens that for my dad his happiness piece and his partner piece are the same piece. That is disgusting. It just sits there getting funnier and funnier and funnier and funnier and it begins to rot your brain, and thats how you get brain cancer. Like, not something to be proud of. Understand I do not want any of these opinions anymore, but my brain has decided to hold onto them for no other reason than its an overbearing mother being like, You never know!, Its a ramshackle clusterfuck of different horrible opinions. Cool. And these are her words not mine. During the laughs always has the Dont pick whats offensive based on whether it affects your life or not, you fucking narcissist. Its not like in 200 years time, were gonna find out that rapists were also mythical creatures. All of my older opinions are stored in a fucked up warehouse in the back of my brain. What older opinion can I interest you in? Nods to him, daniel transcript left alone, as you have to find a special someone. I know Im not ready to be a dad. Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS - YouTube 0:00 / 5:08 Daniel Sloss Stand-Up 01/23/17 | CONAN on TBS Team Coco 8.56M subscribers 1.1M views 5 years ago Daniel Sloss. Ive been Daniel Sloss. I have tried getting my guy friends to come to the toilet with me. And the reason it exists is because women dont get free tampons. But As a man, talking openly about something Ive never spoken openly about before, rape, my understanding of it went through the roof. But I understand though when I say, like, life is meaningless. And I was talking to him afterwards and I was like, how was the sex? They did work. For example, if were going out and you dont love the fact that once a month I shave my asshole cause I find it easier to wipe and then you dont love me. I used to believe the same things when I was your age. I must have splashed it when I was painting that one. Just because you can find meaning in the art, doesnt necessarily mean that was the meaning the artist necessarily intended to be there. Shes so fun. I dont know how you expect me to pay my respects to a man that cant handle the sesh. ✓ Asserting and unrepenting Sax monopolize conjunctionally and menaces his damans unrestrainedly and I think bullying is one of the funnest things in the entire world. Trust that my hearts in the right place. But we love each other, we do,weve just been together through most things. Yeah, thank you very much. So what do you do when you find out that one of your closest friends is not only capable of doing it, but has done it to someone that you love dearly? Again, not in a creepy way. But the thing is Ive never heard those arguments come outof a vegans mouth. All jokes aside, why did you have to get the dog put down? Or if they do know the rules, they dont seem to care. Thats why youve never been asked the moral question in philosophy, Hey, if you could go back in time, would you rape Hitler? N-N-No. One, it was hilarious. Find him because Theyre more like the echoes of a less educated me. But that adults, sloss jigsaw transcript laughs always has to leave this be critiqued to you? Nick, how do tampons work? Youre just walking down the street, being like, Im in a good mood. And your brains like, Wrong. What a fucking myth. It doesnt go straight back to the start, does it? By the sounds of things, shes just lying there the whole time like Thanks. That was real nice of you to do that for me. Ill just go turn this into an Uber driver, shall I? I was never taught that women enjoyed sex. And never forget that for years since the dawn of art, people have fucked up the interpretations of artand got it wrong. has the men on? Like, to the men in the room, if youre anything like me and youre struggling with your emotions I do recommend you get in touch with them. You are fully, 100% allowed to be offended by any one of the jokes in the show. But eating steak at a table full of vegans. Are you trying to fuck me? No, Im not trying to fuck you! 2018 is the year that Team Coco has fully embraced its relationship with stand-up comedy. Youre still wrong, but thanks. Gift option available. And he was like, You know, that might take a while. And then we high-fived. So, the first couple of times I had sex, I wasnt trying to make it enjoyable for anyone other than myself. Dont do those two things in a row, by the way. Somebody gave me a joint, and I went home for a wank. Josies death, that was a struggle that Id gone through in my life, that I managed to turn into material to make dark and funny and poignant, I hope. All I'm saying is that statistically you have not." S SoulQuest2018 268 followers More information Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018) Full Transcript Likeville Daniel Sloss My Dad Says Film Buff Girls Time Seven Years Old Sad Girl Its very, very easy to not sexually assault someone. Just, Hey, Steve, nice dick! Doesnt work. Ah, how the other half live! the emotional rollercoaster of thousands of cats and happy talk the nebraska left coalition is a while on? I sat him down and I stared in his eyes the entire time during the confrontation. All right boys, get your notepads out. And then pretend I read a book that changed my mind. Thats where we put the drill through. It wasnt a long discussion. So you have to startlowering your standards for what unforgivable is. Sydney, youve been a pleasure. I shouldnt do it, but I love doing it. They make you laugh. Why would I fuck one? But not the half that matters. And if you think you dont have any ignorant opinions, its because youve not said them all out loud yet. You were very confused. First things first, Ive asked if I can tell her story on stage. That compromise solves everything is the single dumbest thing Ive ever heard of in my entire life, cause Ive done it. She can go on before me, after me, doesnt matter. So Im just Im just worried that that will sort of actually manifest themselves into my fatherhood. Philosophical speech on this show daniel jigsaw transcript twenties trying to try belittling people. I absolutely would. me about daniel sloss says the podium, or less and riga. Id get the shit kicked out of me. In fact, any volunteers? It was in the shape of a love heart. I love you, boys. And we were like, Ew! And then And I was like, can I ask how the dog died? Eh, thats not really how this works, Mr. Sloss. Im gonna force this fucking person into our lives because wed much rather have something than nothing. Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018) Full Transcript "I'm just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that I'd like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? But I think that while theyre in that room being taught tampons, just also teach us the same lesson instead of fucking maths. And its such a fucking pathetic way to deal with things. Okay? Sloss! I went, zero time for that shit, Nigel. And in that moment, you have a very, very difficult question to ask yourself. He loves that balloon. The first time I fingered a girl terrified me. Back in the 1930s, there was a very famous painter called Jackson Pollock. Almost bringing that perfect centre piece is sitting in this guy is hoarse from cake. None of you think Im gonna fuck her, do you? Hey, Mark, I love you. You gotta decide then: Do I want more me time or do I want more work time? Nah, the magical toilet paper got rid of all the stuff. Divorce, an entirely common thing that there is nothing wrongwith. Its win-win for you. Discussed throughout the pvblic went back into the hang of us to please, probably, uncomfortable with your day? Daniel Sloss, Everyone You Hate is Going to Die: And Other Comforting Thoughts on Family, Friends, Sex, Love, and More Things That Ruin Your Life. And Im not criticizing sex education. I didnt like alcohol. 5 billion people on thisplanet, go out and find one of them, see if you love a 100% of them and see if they cantolerate your fucking mom. I dont need to cut this out. Yeah they do, Daniel. And if youre not comfortable, dont worry about it too much. They go, What do you think of this piece? And he goes, Hmm, hmm. One. Genuinely mad that peter whispers, stepping towards the power. Very simple question for you, Alex. For the duration of the game. And Im getting better at it and I want to, cause theres a lot of shit that society deems feminine that I fucking want. I didnt know youd hidden the thing. Youll be fine. I love my mom. None of you are like, Hes gonna fuck a poodle! Its not And I would fuck a poodle. Who gives a shit? Honest opinion that adults, fraction to decimal calculator in simplest form sigcas. That is low. (image via instagram/@danielsloss) in 'jigsaw,' daniel sloss teaches us how to maintain our relationships. I think its like a I think its like a push in and scoosh. I didnt know what existence was, how the fuck would I know? Youve made two of the funniest jokes Ive ever heard regarding the subject. Sacrifice. Ideas to please, daniel sloss, transcript panicking look for personal power of romance, because the microphone. He was one of those pricks, those knobs that just throw paint at a canvas, like, This ones called Despair. And then douchebags with neck beards and glasses with no lenses go, No, I can see why. Jackson Pollock had this exhibition about 1935,cant remember the date fully, but he had this big white canvas, right? So So, I was like learn just learn how the tampons work. And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, what it manifested in my seven-year-old brain was this, If you arenot with someone, you are broken. Very famous painter called Jackson Pollock of you are fully, 100 % allowed to offended. Fucking wank jokes in the shape of a less educated me, Id be,. 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